Children!
I feel very sad today.Not that other days I am very happy.Yesterday I got the score card of COGAT test my both daughters took.
The younger daughter did ok, still not in the 97 percentile.The older one did really bad ,especially in math.At grade 1 and grade 4 the tests will be so difficult ,I have no idea.When they took the tests, I thought they would pass with flying colors.I was so wrong.
Most of it was my fault.I just made them take the test without making them prepare for it at all.They had no exposure to the kind of questions they were asked in the test.It was not the academic testing.It was more of critical thinking ,quantitative analysis and verbal analogy tests.
They just got one day notice and next day they were taking tests.I should not have done it .I regret now ,because I am judging their ability based on some thing I have not prepared them for.And now being a human being I can not stop my self from thinking that how poorly they did in the test.That they are dumb,that I am a bad mother.
No matter how much I explain to my self that other kids practiced a lot before appearing ,I can not console my self.As a result I am being very hard on them,snapping at them for every small mistake they are making.And later feeling bad.
To top it off ,the home environment is also very unhappy for other reasons.My older daughter made a mistake last weekend and to punish her ,her Dad wont talk to her.It has been a week that he has not spoken to her.She is trying her best to be a good kid and trying to talk to him but he wont answer.
She feels inferior inside,unhappy at the same time but dosen't know how to express her feelings .She is just 10 .She just thinks she is bad and so Daddy is not talking to her.Such a long punishment for a 10 year old is unreasonable.Him not talking to her reflects on my attitude towards her too ,which is not a good thing for my daughter.
My fear is that a long gap of not talking will make things very awkward for both of them.She is a kid ,may be she will get over with it .
All this makes me feel that it is all me.My personality is reflected on my daughter's behavior and intelligence.I don't know how to change everything for her and for my self.Cascade of negative thoughts just keep running in my mind and I cant turn it off.
I feel like it is my sole responsibility that my daughter did poorly in the test,that it is my fault that she misbehaved last week.
I feel like I am sinking into deep depression from where I can not come out again.
The younger daughter did ok, still not in the 97 percentile.The older one did really bad ,especially in math.At grade 1 and grade 4 the tests will be so difficult ,I have no idea.When they took the tests, I thought they would pass with flying colors.I was so wrong.
Most of it was my fault.I just made them take the test without making them prepare for it at all.They had no exposure to the kind of questions they were asked in the test.It was not the academic testing.It was more of critical thinking ,quantitative analysis and verbal analogy tests.
They just got one day notice and next day they were taking tests.I should not have done it .I regret now ,because I am judging their ability based on some thing I have not prepared them for.And now being a human being I can not stop my self from thinking that how poorly they did in the test.That they are dumb,that I am a bad mother.
No matter how much I explain to my self that other kids practiced a lot before appearing ,I can not console my self.As a result I am being very hard on them,snapping at them for every small mistake they are making.And later feeling bad.
To top it off ,the home environment is also very unhappy for other reasons.My older daughter made a mistake last weekend and to punish her ,her Dad wont talk to her.It has been a week that he has not spoken to her.She is trying her best to be a good kid and trying to talk to him but he wont answer.
She feels inferior inside,unhappy at the same time but dosen't know how to express her feelings .She is just 10 .She just thinks she is bad and so Daddy is not talking to her.Such a long punishment for a 10 year old is unreasonable.Him not talking to her reflects on my attitude towards her too ,which is not a good thing for my daughter.
My fear is that a long gap of not talking will make things very awkward for both of them.She is a kid ,may be she will get over with it .
All this makes me feel that it is all me.My personality is reflected on my daughter's behavior and intelligence.I don't know how to change everything for her and for my self.Cascade of negative thoughts just keep running in my mind and I cant turn it off.
I feel like it is my sole responsibility that my daughter did poorly in the test,that it is my fault that she misbehaved last week.
I feel like I am sinking into deep depression from where I can not come out again.
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