The reality.
After two years of long gap I am again going to India to see my aging parents.But this year things are not the same.I don't feel the happiness and the excitement at all.As the day of departure is coming closer ,my heart is sinking deeper and deeper.
I have no excitement for searching for appropriate gifts for everyone, or buying cloths and shoes for our travel or making lists of things I have to buy from India.None of those.It feels like lifeless,listless, enthusiasm less .I wish the time stops and everything remain the same.I want the time to become still, because in this time I can still feel that my parents are alive,I can talk to them,I can talk to my mother when ever I want,day or night.She is going through memory loss but at least she remembers me and able to recall every moment we have spent together.
Being born as the youngest sibling can be so frustrating and mentally agonizing,this thought never crossed my mind.I was rather happy that I am the youngest.But now that all of us are growing older, I feel that I will have to see everyone going through pain and suffering.I will have to see everyone's old age and demise.I don't want to live so long to see all these.I cant see my brothers getting old ,falling sick and suffering.I want to just skip that phase of my life.
It already makes me sad and depressed when I hear that my big brother is not healthy any more. It makes me sad to feel his loneliness,his mental struggle; now that my parents don't live with him anymore.
I started my family 17 years ago.I call it the second phase of my life.Where I am very happy ,I have everything I ever wanted.I have a loving husband ,two healthy and lovely children.In spite of everything, I have never been closer to this phase of my life as much as I have been with the first phase of my life .Where I was with my parents and my brothers.
I don't know if this normal ,but I am having a very difficult time getting out of these thoughts.Why cant I just be happy thinking that the first phase of my life is over and I have to move on.
My biggest fear is that this time when I will come back after seeing my parents ,I will come with the memories of my mother being sick and helpless.How will I live with that memory for next two years.
I have no excitement for searching for appropriate gifts for everyone, or buying cloths and shoes for our travel or making lists of things I have to buy from India.None of those.It feels like lifeless,listless, enthusiasm less .I wish the time stops and everything remain the same.I want the time to become still, because in this time I can still feel that my parents are alive,I can talk to them,I can talk to my mother when ever I want,day or night.She is going through memory loss but at least she remembers me and able to recall every moment we have spent together.
Being born as the youngest sibling can be so frustrating and mentally agonizing,this thought never crossed my mind.I was rather happy that I am the youngest.But now that all of us are growing older, I feel that I will have to see everyone going through pain and suffering.I will have to see everyone's old age and demise.I don't want to live so long to see all these.I cant see my brothers getting old ,falling sick and suffering.I want to just skip that phase of my life.
It already makes me sad and depressed when I hear that my big brother is not healthy any more. It makes me sad to feel his loneliness,his mental struggle; now that my parents don't live with him anymore.
I started my family 17 years ago.I call it the second phase of my life.Where I am very happy ,I have everything I ever wanted.I have a loving husband ,two healthy and lovely children.In spite of everything, I have never been closer to this phase of my life as much as I have been with the first phase of my life .Where I was with my parents and my brothers.
I don't know if this normal ,but I am having a very difficult time getting out of these thoughts.Why cant I just be happy thinking that the first phase of my life is over and I have to move on.
My biggest fear is that this time when I will come back after seeing my parents ,I will come with the memories of my mother being sick and helpless.How will I live with that memory for next two years.
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