End of 2019.
Last day of 2019.
I have mixed feelings about this whole year. First Half of this year was spent in anticipating meeting my mother and 2nd half of the year I spent mourning her death. In 2018 when I saw my mother the last time , I never thought I will not see her again. Physically she was not very fit, she was having difficulty walking and keeping up with her everyday routine, but she was still happy and content. As if she has fulfilled her purpose of life and what ever is left is beyond her capacity ,the things about which she can not do anything, the things she can not change anymore. She had given up on all the remaining things about which she was unhappy.
In a way I felt good about it, that she has accepted that some times in life people have no control over matters.
My 2019 started with lots of zeal and vigor. I was happy that I am healthy, I was very consistent in my exercise routine, my family was happy and healthy. Could not ask for more than this. As months passed by I was happy that I am going to see my mother.
After the end of April, as if I lost all the happiness in my life just in one second. The word "Maa" got lost some where in the dictionary of my vocabulary. My life's existence was because of my mother. The sadness was more, because I could not do anything for her when she needed me. When I was learning to walk and talk, my mother was there with me all the time, guiding me at every fall, but I was not there when she fell. I did not give her my hand when she stumbled. I can never forgive myself.
After April, my days and months passed by just remembering her. I still went to India to see my father, but the pain of mother's loss still stinging me. My mother was that strong string, holding the whole family together, like the bead neckless.Every member was like a bead in that necklace and my mother was the string. She passed away, and the whole neckless fell apart. The signs of conflicts and unhappiness was so obvious already in the family. My other two brothers disconnected them selves from me because I have and will always support my big brother. But I don't care anymore. I do not expect anything, anymore from anyone.
After coming back to the US, I tried my best to keep myself busy, however most of the time I am not successful.
This year has been good when it comes to my children."T" passed the OLSAT test and got into Basha school. "O" passed the test for "Gifted Programme school". Hopefully she will get into KNOX.
These are the only two achievements of my 2019, and it makes me proud as a mother.
We moved to a new, better apartment. More expensive but better in every sense.
I took on a little gardening hobby with a good spirit. Now I have 7 indoor plants and many more in the Patio. The Patio gets a good amount of sunlight throughout the day.
The strangest thing that happened in our life was that "P" has started thinking about buying a house. So far we have toured several houses and have learnt a lot about real estate and buying a house. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that "P" will even think of buying a house, let alone taking tours.This was a big step-up for us.
I always wanted to have a house, not a big house but a house with a decent size backyard.
Another ray of happiness for my heart was when I got the news that "women's web" magazine has decided to publish my short story in their magazine. I have been trying to publish for 12 years and finally it payed off. I am so happy about it. Even though I did not make it into the top 5 winners, but I am happy that my story got short listed to be published.
Some times I think God gives you strength to take in just the right amount of sadness and grief you can handle. Never more, never less. Everyone gets their share of sorrow and grief. How we handle it, every thing lies there. For me my mother's death is a grief which shook me inside out. For me life feels purposeless.
But every day I take little steps to soften my sadness, however I never ever try to forget the importance of my mother in my life, because it reminds me of my existence in this world. I am because she was once .I walk, I talk, I am healthy, I am alive it is all because of her.
I am now ready to welcome the new year with my mother's memories in my heart, which will always stay alive as long as I am alive.
I have mixed feelings about this whole year. First Half of this year was spent in anticipating meeting my mother and 2nd half of the year I spent mourning her death. In 2018 when I saw my mother the last time , I never thought I will not see her again. Physically she was not very fit, she was having difficulty walking and keeping up with her everyday routine, but she was still happy and content. As if she has fulfilled her purpose of life and what ever is left is beyond her capacity ,the things about which she can not do anything, the things she can not change anymore. She had given up on all the remaining things about which she was unhappy.
In a way I felt good about it, that she has accepted that some times in life people have no control over matters.
My 2019 started with lots of zeal and vigor. I was happy that I am healthy, I was very consistent in my exercise routine, my family was happy and healthy. Could not ask for more than this. As months passed by I was happy that I am going to see my mother.
After the end of April, as if I lost all the happiness in my life just in one second. The word "Maa" got lost some where in the dictionary of my vocabulary. My life's existence was because of my mother. The sadness was more, because I could not do anything for her when she needed me. When I was learning to walk and talk, my mother was there with me all the time, guiding me at every fall, but I was not there when she fell. I did not give her my hand when she stumbled. I can never forgive myself.
After April, my days and months passed by just remembering her. I still went to India to see my father, but the pain of mother's loss still stinging me. My mother was that strong string, holding the whole family together, like the bead neckless.Every member was like a bead in that necklace and my mother was the string. She passed away, and the whole neckless fell apart. The signs of conflicts and unhappiness was so obvious already in the family. My other two brothers disconnected them selves from me because I have and will always support my big brother. But I don't care anymore. I do not expect anything, anymore from anyone.
After coming back to the US, I tried my best to keep myself busy, however most of the time I am not successful.
This year has been good when it comes to my children."T" passed the OLSAT test and got into Basha school. "O" passed the test for "Gifted Programme school". Hopefully she will get into KNOX.
These are the only two achievements of my 2019, and it makes me proud as a mother.
We moved to a new, better apartment. More expensive but better in every sense.
I took on a little gardening hobby with a good spirit. Now I have 7 indoor plants and many more in the Patio. The Patio gets a good amount of sunlight throughout the day.
The strangest thing that happened in our life was that "P" has started thinking about buying a house. So far we have toured several houses and have learnt a lot about real estate and buying a house. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that "P" will even think of buying a house, let alone taking tours.This was a big step-up for us.
I always wanted to have a house, not a big house but a house with a decent size backyard.
Another ray of happiness for my heart was when I got the news that "women's web" magazine has decided to publish my short story in their magazine. I have been trying to publish for 12 years and finally it payed off. I am so happy about it. Even though I did not make it into the top 5 winners, but I am happy that my story got short listed to be published.
Some times I think God gives you strength to take in just the right amount of sadness and grief you can handle. Never more, never less. Everyone gets their share of sorrow and grief. How we handle it, every thing lies there. For me my mother's death is a grief which shook me inside out. For me life feels purposeless.
But every day I take little steps to soften my sadness, however I never ever try to forget the importance of my mother in my life, because it reminds me of my existence in this world. I am because she was once .I walk, I talk, I am healthy, I am alive it is all because of her.
I am now ready to welcome the new year with my mother's memories in my heart, which will always stay alive as long as I am alive.
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