The better world

Today is January 19th .Sara is sitting on the couch with a cup of tea waiting for her mother’s phone call ,as today is her wedding anniversary.It is her 19th wedding anniversary on January 19th .What a coincidence.Sara’s mom’s favorite number was 19th ,because Sara was born on 19th and married on 19th ,however months were different.Her mother was always confused about which month was for what celebration but she always remembered the date 19th.

Then all of a sudden Sara realized that the phone will ring, but it will never be of her mother again because she is no more.The mother who took care of Sara when she was small was no more.Every step Sara took as a baby,every time Sara fell while learning to walk ,her mother was there to pick Sara up but when her mother fell ,Sara was not there to hold her hand, to help her mother .This guilt was killing Sara from inside.All she could do was ,just curse the moment when she decided to leave her mother all by herself .But now there is just regret left.

It all began 9 years ago when Sara was still with her mother.Mother was constantly losing her health and falling sicker and sicker everyday.She needed a caregiver ,a person who is her own flesh and blood ,who can really care for.Sara, the youngest of four children, willingly responded, since she lived closer than her siblings did and felt capable of providing help. Once the health crisis stabilized, Sara moved her mother hundreds of miles across the state and into her home with her husband and two preschool-age children. This is where she began her journey as a caregiver.Initially, Sara felt confident about her new role as a caregiver for her mother. She wanted to offer the same love ,care and support that her mother had given to her over the years. Sara was positive that her mother would get well in a short time, would return home and continue living independently. Her intentions were good and it seemed everything was going in the right direction. She hadn’t anticipated, however, the possibility of her mother’s health deteriorating more, the stress on herself, and her family or her mother’s need for on-going medical care. Financial issues were also unclear as Sara attempted to manage her mother’s affairs. Weeks turned into months and Sara and her family found themselves facing new and unexpected challenges.

As time went on, Sara now felt an uncertainty about her role as a caregiver. She noticed changes in her mother’s memory, patience and daily moods. Her mother also showed signs of depression and strongly missed her own home.It became clear to Sara that her mother was not happy with her. Not because Sara was incapable of taking good care of her mother but because the mother was too overwhelmed by the thought of: “what other people will say”.

Society in India has not accepted the fact ,that daughters are also part of their parents well being and it is ok for parents to live with their daughters.

The thought of living with her daughter was killing the mother from inside.Feeling her mother’s stress ,Sara began to lose patience and noticed the effects on her own health, marriage, and ability to parent two young children,all at the same time.The choice of providing care for her mother was also taking an emotional toll on the mother/daughter relationship. An unfamiliar role emerged as Sara found herself “parenting” her own mother and she felt very unsettled with her feelings. In addition, her mother faced the uncertainty of her own role in her daughter’s home because of the meals decisions , kitchen duties and daily decisions. They were both caught in a struggle they were not prepared for as adults.The mother - daughter relationship was completely failing because of the society formed distorted understanding ,and discriminating daughters from being the part of their aging parents lives.

Six months of caregiving finally gave way to a difficult reality as Sara questioned whether she could continue to make sacrifices and care for her mother in her home. She began to struggle between her feelings of guilt,her duty as a wife and mother,and keeping her mother in her house against mother’s will.Sara started resenting and pondering what was best for her mother, her own family, marriage and needs as a mother and young woman. Sara realized that the life she once knew was slipping away and the time had come to reevaluate everyone’s needs.

However she was sure of one thing ,she would not shrug off her shoulder from the responsibility she has as a daughter.The society did not mean a thing to her.Sara wanted to do ,what she felt right to do at that time,even if she had to fight with the unreasonable norms of the society.

Three siblings and their spouses, who were scattered across the country, were consulted on their mother’s future. Although each one cared and was well meaning, there were ten opinions on what was “best for mother” and her personal affairs.None of them suit Sara,because every single decision was based on the fact :-

“ what will society say?”

“A daughter taking care of her mother who has three sons of her own?”

“What kind of mother is she who is being a disgrace to her sons living with her daughter?”

Etc-etc

But Sara could care less.She knew from her heart,that her mother is more comfortable and happier with her than her daughter - in- laws.

At this point, Sara conferred with all her brothers who listened to her needs and concerns. They helped Sara gain a perspective of her situation, discussed care and agreed to Sara .Because in their hearts they knew that their wives can not feel the same way a daughter can feel for her mother.Rest of the members in the family did not agree but it was well planned ,thought-through disagreements.

Sara declared a war against the so-called societal rule.She put forward a plan to which not one said no to.The idea was fair ,simple and no brainer.

Sara had a mind set ,that no one can understand their mother better than her own daughter,in spite of having the best daughter-in-law of the world.A blood relationship is unbeatable.

Sara’s thinking can bring a revolution in the society.Why dont daughters take care of aging parents and husband just lend their support to their wives with a well meaning heart.

With this set-up no aging parents will be left uncared and neglected.

Sons will take a sigh of relief that their parents are taken well care of by their sisters.In return all the men in the society just have to offer a helping hand to their wives.There will be peace ,harmony and tranquility everywhere in the world.No aging father or mother will ever have to go to an old home where they are neglected when their bodies become so weak and frail.

Everything was settled .Sara felt lucky to have her maa. However things did not go well on the surface.Her brothers finally caved in and followed the age old tradition of society that aging parents are sons responsibility.They took Sara’s mom with them.Things changed .Mother kept getting older and more frail.She started having memory issues.She could not keep up with her health, but she kept waiting for Sara to come and be with her .Mother never understood that her happiness is sandwiched between the societal rules and her own children.She gave in with her life.She snuck out on all her children one day, she left the world.She left Sara.

Sara kept thinking ,this would not have happened if mother had stayed with me ,at least not so soon.Sara kept thinking why she not persistent.She thought that her one decision would have made her world so much different .She thought, “the world would be a better place if the woman decides what she wants for herself!”