The “If” vs. “When” Battle

 

A few weeks ago, my 17-year-old daughter stormed into the kitchen, frustration written all over her face.

"Why do you guys always say ‘if’ when I talk about Stanford? Why can’t you just say ‘when’?"

I took a deep breath, bracing for yet another round of this ongoing battle.

"Because, sweetheart, life has a funny way of throwing curveballs," I said, keeping my voice calm. "We believe in you, but we also believe in reality."

Boom. Instant outrage.

She rolled her eyes so hard I feared they might get stuck. “You guys just don’t believe in me.” And with that, she marched off, slamming the door for good measure. It’s not the first time this argument has happened. It won’t be the last. And frankly, I don’t know how we got here.

And just like that, I am once again the villain in my own home.

Let’s be honest—hearing our kids talk passionately about their future makes us proud. Whether they want to be doctors, astronauts, or the next Taylor Swift, we want to support them. But the reality? The world is unpredictable. And as much as we want to be their biggest cheerleaders, we also want to prepare them for possible detours.

In my daughter’s case, she wants to get into Stanford Medical School. Not just a medical school, but Stanford. The moment she utters the words “When I go to Stanford…” My husband and I instinctively reply, “If you go to Stanford…”because, well… college admissions are brutal.

But instead of seeing it as a dose of reality, she sees it as a lack of faith.

And therein lies the great parent-teen dilemma.

Welcome to parenting a teenager with a dream and no tolerance for ‘ifs.’

When Did Being Practical Become Being Unsupportive?

I’ve spent many nights lying awake, replaying these conversations in my head, wondering how a simple if turned into the ultimate betrayal. I get it. My daughter wants to feel like her dreams are inevitable, not up for debate. But I also know that nothing in life is guaranteed.

It’s not just about Stanford. It’s about the fact that even the brightest students don’t always get into their dream schools. It’s about the idea that life sometimes reroutes you, whether you like it or not. And as a parent, my job isn’t just to cheer her on—it’s to make sure she has a parachute if things don’t go as planned.

But she doesn’t see it that way. To her, every time we say if, we’re placing doubt where she wants certainty. She doesn’t hear, “We love you, and we’re preparing you for anything.” She hears, “We don’t think you can do it.”

The Silent Meaning Behind Teen Dreams

The truth is, she’s not really fighting about grammar. She’s fighting for validation. She doesn’t just want to believe in her dream—she wants us to believe in it without conditions. This wasn’t a conversation about college at all. It was about how much she wanted to feel believed in—without conditions, without footnotes.

I didn’t realize this until one day, in a rare moment of calm, I asked her, “What about ‘if’ bothers you so much?”

She looked at me, exasperated but honest. “Because it makes it sound like you think I won’t make it. I don’t need a backup plan. I just need you to believe in me.”

That hit me. Hard.

She doesn’t want Stanford. She wants certainty. She wants the comfort of knowing that no matter what, we’re in her corner.

So, What Do I Say Now?

The next time she brought it up, I caught myself before the dreaded if slipped out. Instead, I tried something different.

"I can’t wait to see where your journey takes you."

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t false hope. It was just the truth—I really can’t wait to see what she does, whether it’s at Stanford, another great school, or somewhere unexpected.

She paused, waiting for the usual correction. When it didn’t come, she nodded and kept talking. No fight. No eye rolls. Just a conversation.

That was the moment I realized it’s not about Stanford. It’s about making her feel believed in, without constantly reminding her that life doesn’t always go as planned. Maybe she already knows that but just isn’t ready to face it yet. And maybe that’s okay.

Parenting Is a Game of Adjustments

I’m still figuring this out. I still catch myself wanting to insert a reality check, but I’m learning that sometimes, my job isn’t to prepare her for every outcome—it’s just to listen.

So, am I suddenly on board with “When I go to Stanford…”?

Not entirely. But maybe I don’t need to correct her. Maybe I don’t need to insert my practical, data-driven, mom-logic into her dreams. Maybe I just need to listen, nod, and let her dream out loud.

And then? Well, I’ll still secretly Google the acceptance rates in colleges. Because I’m still me.

My Psychological Perspective

Teenagers live in a world of certainty—at least in their minds. Their dreams feel inevitable, and their self-worth is often tied to them. When parents introduce a dose of realism, even with good intentions, teens don’t interpret it as practical guidance. Instead, they hear doubt, lack of support, or even rejection of their dreams.

From a developmental psychology standpoint, teens are in the identity vs. role confusion stage (Erikson’s theory). They are trying to define themselves, and their ambitions are a huge part of that. When you say "if you get into Stanford," she may subconsciously interpret it as "I’m not good enough in their eyes."

Does That Mean I’m Wrong?

No. In fact, my instinct as a parent is correct—I don’t want her to have tunnel vision. I want her to be prepared for different outcomes so she doesn’t experience devastation if her dream doesn’t unfold exactly as she envisions it.

But how I frame it matters. Saying "if" makes her feel like her dream is being questioned. A simple shift in wording, like "I know you’ll go far, and I’m excited to see where you end up," keeps the door open to possibilities without making her feel undermined.

One of my friends gave me a book(Erik Erikson's Childhood and Society) to read which helped me understand how identity develops in teenagers. It’s a must read book for every parent, which explores the stages of psychosocial development and how they shape a person’s growth. It offers a deep dive into the stages of human development, particularly how adolescents form their identity.

Parents, Can You Relate?

Has your teen ever accused you of not believing in them when you were just trying to be realistic? Let me know in the comments—I need to know I’m not the only one dealing with this!

Childhood and Society

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